I Can’t Go Down On My Girlfriend. I Have a Good Reason. I Swear!

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

I am a nonbinary person in a long-term, open relationship with a trans woman. We have a satisfying sex life that we fit around both being on libido-limiting medication, and I feel we are compatible sexually. One issue that I have, however, is that I can’t perform fellatio due to past trauma (I was pressured into it in a previous relationship in which I was also plied with alcohol for sex). I’ve done it with my girlfriend a few times and sometimes it’s fine, but the idea of doing it or initiating it makes me feel gross. Giving oral to vagina-havers does not present this issue for me. I am in the process of accessing therapy for this and other adverse experiences, but it’s not sex therapy and I would like to be able to work on this in the meantime. I think I would have enjoyed giving head if not for the bad feelings now attached to it. Do I have to accept that this is something I can no longer do? Is there a way to move past it?

—This Sucks and Blows

Dear This Sucks,

When your adverse experiences involve sex, it sometimes makes sense to search for a therapist who at least has some extra certification in sexuality. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a massive database for the U.S. that might help you locate someone who is qualified in both sex and trauma. You also might find an intimacy coach who has therapy training to help you work through this, in addition to the therapist you’re seeing.

One thing you can do in the meantime, though, is to work on being in the present moment (i.e. in this long-term relationship with this woman who has presumably not plied you with alcohol or pressured you), and being with this specific human. You might gaze into her eyes. You might run down a list of features of your current life and relationship that differentiate them from that other time and partner. You also might think back on the times that giving her oral was “fine.” Were they really fine? If so, what were the differences in those particular moments? Is there some intel you can gather from those moments that you can use moving forward when you want to give your girlfriend “fine” oral?

It might take you some time to get to a place where you’re comfortable offering or engaging in giving your girlfriend oral sex. That’s OK! You get to have limits, boundaries, and no-go trauma zones. Communicate to your partner that this is a “you thing,” that you find her attractive and want to engage in [insert list of activities you are comfortable with] with her, and that while you’re working through things with professionals, you want to take this particular act off the table. If she understands, that’s a great green flag. And if she doesn’t, that’s something you two need to work through.

Dear How to Do It, 

I recently hooked up with someone I started messaging on the apps in a purely sexual context. After we hooked up, we ended up having this conversation where he started sharing that he was tired of casual sex and was looking for something serious. But he was talking about it to me as a friend, and not implying that he wanted something serious with me. It really took me aback in the moment. It just fueled this insecurity I have about only being seen as either a sexual being or as someone “serious” to date and not both. Why wasn’t I someone he would consider having something serious with? It left me feeling terrible after he was gone. I’m not sure what to do about it. I guess I could ask him out. But what if it just confirms my fears that I can be either or but never both?

—Either, Or

Dear Either,

Given the conditions the two of you met under, it’s possible that this guy thought you were only interested in hooking up, and that you yourself didn’t want anything serious. He may not have wanted to overstep limits, or have been avoiding what he anticipated would be a rejection. So, you might actually be someone he would consider having a relationship with.

The either/or thinking in your letter raises flags for me. Where else does that show up in your sexual relationships? If you’re familiar with the Madonna-Whore complex, have you internalized it? If so, in what ways? And, regardless, why would one guy’s interest or lack thereof be the thing that confirms your fears of being trapped in a false binary? Why do you have so much riding on this one interaction, which started in a purely sexual context?

It might be useful to think about what you offer as a friend, and as a partner. What are your awesome qualities? What do you bring to relationships? Make a list. Dwell on that list. Read it over and over, and add to it as more things occur to you. Get a solid understanding of why someone would want to date you, and your confidence will almost certainly increase.

This guy, or anyone else you might want to develop a relationship with, absolutely might see you as purely a hookup or friend, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, or that you won’t eventually find someone who sees you in both capacities. In fact, hopefully, you’ll find someone who sees you in many more, incorporating the full range of who you are as a human.

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Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend of two years and I recently broke up. In the aftermath, I slowly started to discover that he’d been cheating on me with various women the entire time. He sent sexual DMs to other women, and had hookups, some of which were one-offs while others were repeats. He dumped me! I was already heartbroken over that. I thought this was the guy I was going to be with forever and get married to. And now recently, women have reached out to me with what they know. I’m reeling. I feel heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I know he’s already hooking up with other people. One of my friends saw him on the apps in our area. I want to have sex as revenge and to prove to him I can do it, too. But I also feel totally repulsed by men and sex knowing that someone could just lie to me like that for years. How do I begin to move on? How can I beat back this repulsion?

—Repulsed

Dear Repulsed,

Why would you meet someone who hurt you on their level? Why stoop that low? The two of you are no longer dating, so there isn’t really revenge to be gotten on a guy who cheated on you for the entire length of your relationship and then dumped you. Please don’t put yourself through sex you don’t want to have, to make a point to a guy you now know isn’t worth your energy and who probably won’t even care.

You need time to heal. You might consider talking with a counselor, or you might lean on trusted and emotionally attuned friends. Journaling, talking out loud to yourself, and thinking in the shower or on a walk are other ways you might process how you’re feeling. You move on by accepting where you are now and having compassion for yourself in that place. It might take a while. Some people say it takes half the time of the duration of the relationship to really let go of it. And the fact that women keep popping up to let you know the situation was even bigger than you knew probably compounds the issue. I would ask acquaintances to spare you any more gory details, and politely thank the women who reach out without getting into a bigger conversation with them. You don’t need your nose rubbed in this any further.

When you no longer feel like all men are repulsive, and can see them again as individuals, then you’re ready to consider dating them again. In the meantime, take this time to reconnect with your own body. Remind yourself of the things that you can do to give yourself pleasure, whether that’s hot cocoa or a particular kind of masturbation. And, please, go get a full STI screening.

Dear How to Do It, 

I’ve been with my wife for 15 years. We’ve always been sexually active but as we’ve gotten older, she initiates sex less and less. I initiate sex every single time. She never turns me down and seems to enjoy it. She almost always has an orgasm but it would be nice if, once in a while, she initiated. I get discouraged and feel like I’m the friend who’s always asking her to come out and play but never gets asked in return. Is this normal for a 40-year-old woman?

—Discouraged

Dear Discouraged,

There is no one right way to be a 40-year-old woman. Normal is a fallacy. We’re all different and unique, and, as my co-columnist Rich once said, we would be extremely shocked to encounter a person who checks all the boxes of “normal” because they would be such a statistical outlier.

You might want to read up on Emily Nagoski (author of Come As You Are and Come Together) who talks about spontaneous and responsive desire. The gist is that some people are inclined to feel either more spontaneous (sudden, seemingly out of nowhere) desire or responsive (arousal that comes after stimulation) desire. Right now, it sounds like your wife is experiencing the latter. The thing is, though, these aren’t necessarily static qualities. We can be more inclined toward spontaneous desire at one stage of our life and more inclined toward responsive desire at other times. As our sexualities shift and change, so do the ways in which we need to be approached. It could also be that early on you were more flirtatious throughout the day than you are now, stoking a responsive desire that always existed but wasn’t noticeable at that time.

Meanwhile, your wife being 40 means she could be experiencing perimenopause, a process when hormones start to shift around significantly. That tends to mean changes in sexual response—not necessarily any particular change, but change nonetheless.

Bring your feelings to your wife. Let her know that you’re feeling discouraged, and tell her about your perception of how the ways you two relate to each other sexually have changed. Get some solid data on what is happening on your wife’s end of things. You’ll be in a better place to navigate the situation then.

—Jessica

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