Abarth 695 75 Anniversario Review: More Fashion Accessory Than Hot Hatch

No, you’re not imagining things. The Abarth 695 is still a thing you can buy, despite the Italian maker of shouty little hatchbacks in full swing of making Fiat EVs a little bit warbly now.

A bit like Pagani and its constant desire to have another go with the Zonda and now Huayra, Abarth seems incapable of letting go of making hotted-up versions of the ageing Fiat 500. So yeah, here’s a new one. Despite the car it’s based on no longer being built.

Meet the 75 Anniversario, which you’d be forgiven for thinking was Abarth paying tribute to how long it has been hotting up the current version supermini, although it really pays honour to the inception of the brand itself.

It won’t surprise you that the only changes over a regular Abarth 695 for this Anniversario are all cosmetic. That includes a set of 17-inch gold wheels, matching Abarth stickers and a gigantic roof scorpion, as well as a neat little sticker marking the brand’s birthday on the rear quarter panel.

Those slight changes also extend to the interior, for better or worse. The main additions are carbon fibre Sabelt bucket seats with gold stitching and a 75 Anniversario logo on them. They’re pretty comfy, but good luck adjusting the backrest if you’ve got hands any thicker than a piece of A4 paper –  the ratchet for it is sandwiched right between the seat and the door.

Oh, and they make it even harder to get anyone into the back of the car. If they can squeeze in, you’ll also be constantly driving and wincing knowing footspace is so tight that their trainers could be causing all sorts of marks and scratches on the carbon.

Beyond that, there’s a gold centre marker for the part-Alcantara steering wheel and well… that’s your lot. Truthfully, the inside of the Abarth has never been the best place to be in – the driving position is akin to a Little Tikes Cosy Coupe, build quality is… iffy at best and controls are so illogically placed you have to wonder if they were designed by someone who had merely been described the concept of ergonomics over a dodgy phone line.

Anything new at all to report mechanically, at least? Err… no. Everything under the skin of the Abarth 695 75 Anniversario is the same as the Compteizione which you can pick up for about £3,000 cheaper.

With that in mind though, it’s not exactly restrained under the tarted-up bodywork still. Koni shocks and dampers on all four corners of the car are retained, there’s a comical-looking set of Brembo brakes and of course, the piece of resistance or whatever it is posh people say, a ‘Record Monza’ exhaust system.

That provides a set of vocal cords for an untouched 1.4-litre turbocharged four-cylinder engine, producing 178bhp and 184lb ft of torque. That grunt is delivered to the front wheels through a novelty item called a five-speed manual gearbox.

Because nothing mechanically has changed, it drives as any Abarth 695 does – for better or worse.

The first thing you need to do is put it in Sport, partly for the ‘SPORT’ light on the comically large turbo gauge to appear but because it sets the engine up to better deal with the enormous turbo lag. Even with that set, if you’re not absolutely on it already, it’s like you’re playing some long waiting game.

Nothing, nothing, nothing… and then absolutely hilarity. Once the snail connected to the four-pot kicks in, it’s a stupidly funny experience. The surge in power probably isn’t all that intense from the outside, but in this tiny little box on wheels, it feels like you’ve hit a NOS button. All of that is backed by a fantastically farty soundtrack courtesy of the Record Monza exhaust. It’s how you’d imagine a Ferrari F40, only about a third of the size, and nowhere near as fast in reality.

It does mean meaningful progress is hard to come by and once you find some corners, the chassis does begin to show its age and weaknesses. Frustratingly, the Anniversario doesn’t benefit from an LSD – something as far as I can tell, has only been offered on the old track-ready Biposto. Understeer is all too easy to induce as a result, especially over callous, uneven UK back roads.

Steering continues to feel pretty light no matter how hard you’re pushing, and yet it rides rough and harsh in a way you’d expect from some serious hardcore driver’s car. There’s always been a mixed personality about the 695 between a fashion accessory and something that wants to be a true hot hatch. The Anniversario definitely adds to the former, but nothing to enhance the latter.

Really, then, whether or not you want an Anniversario comes down to a question of style. You’d have to convince yourself you want to spend almost £30,000 on a 695 in the first place to consider it – something we can recommend if you’re after a stylish Monaco runaround, less so a back-road monster – and then that £3,000 extra on some gold trinkets is worth it.

For our money? We wouldn’t bother. Save yourself the money, buy a Competizione if you must have an Abarth and make sure you take the long way to the bank in it for some true hilarity.